Clemens, PacMan, Vin Baker and Fantasy Baseball

June 21, 2007

We’ve got some unbelievably funny sports stories going on right now. So many that I had to do a post about all of them.


We’ll kick it off with this. It’s an unreal video of Roger Clemens coming back to pitch in 2057 for the Yankees. You might have heard of it by now, it’s spreading the web like wildfire. Funny stuff. Check it out.



Pacman Jones somehow thinks he can do whatever he wants I guess. I don’t get it. I see this guy in the news every other day it seems. Pacman at strip club…Pacman beef outside a nightclub…Pacman this…Pacman that.


Is he really this bad? Will someone just pull him aside and say, “Listen, why don’t you stay in for awhile.”


He’s got money. Buy tons of take out. You’re suspended from the league anyways. Just buy a few pounds of weed, some take out and have your entourage over every night. You can plan it out. In fact, don’t bother. I’ve planned it out for you:


Monday can be Madden on PS3 night.

Tuesday is pool, $1,000 a game of course.

Wednesday is strippers – they can come to your house, too, Pacman.

Thursday you can do card games. Or dice. I hear these are big in clubhouse/team flights anyways.

Friday – huge house party with strippers, DJ and big name guests like Vince Young and Young Buck (reppin’ Tennessee).

Saturday back to straight strippers.

Sunday can be a chill day: old movies (like Scarface, Goodfellas and Cradle to the Grave), DVDs like Sopranos and Entourage, and a stripper nightcap.


Plus, there will be blunts and beers (or Hennessey, whatever) every night. Now you’re telling me that isn’t a fire time?


I should be Pacman’s advisor. Someone please send this to him.


Old friend Edgar Renteria took some more shots at the Red Sox the other night. God, I hate this guy. Here’s what he said to an Atlanta paper:


“It’s good to show everybody they were wrong,” said Renteria, 31, who was traded by the Red Sox after the 2005 season, just one year into a four-year, $40 million free-agent contract he signed with them.


“You always do good, and then have one bad year — everybody can have one bad year,” said Renteria.”I was so glad they traded me here [to Atlanta].”


Yea? Really? You SUCKED. How bout that? YOU SUCKED. Ten million a year for .270, 8 homers and 30 errors? Screw you, Edgar, you baby.


Aww, can’t play in the pressure. Don’t like getting booed. Boo hoo hoo. Baby.  


Love the Vin Baker DUI leaving Foxwoods the other night. Good to know he’s still up to his old tricks. Listen, I get the whole alcoholic thing, but c’mon. This guy made millions, get yourself a driver. I’m so sick of Vin Baker. He wasted his talent and F’d up my team. So he gets no sympathy from me.

Vin Baker

Remember Payton, Kemp and Baker on the Sonics? Fire team. Glad the Celts traded for him about 4 years too late. Good looks, Chris Wallace and good luck, Grizzlies.


Juan Gone is back in the news, by the way. Turns out Rangers owner Tom Hicks said pretty bluntly on a Dallas radio show that Gonzalez was on steroids. Or coming off them rather, when the Rangers gave him a fat deal.


Will everyone finally admit the obvious? I’ve been saying it for years: Jose Canseco was like right. He said Juan Gone did steroids years ago in his book. He also said Palmerio juiced. And Brett Boone. What are those players up to since then?


We’ll look back one day and realize he started all of this. That greaseball, tanned roido kick-started baseball into cleaning up its own sport. Like it or not, Jose aced it.


Thought I was smart for drafting veteran pitchers in my fantasy league this year. Last season I went with young studs with promised and was burnt bad. I had King Felix, Zach Duke, John Patterson and a few others. Only one that panned out was Liriano…then he got hurt.


This year I decided things would be different. I’d draft a stable of veteran arms and ride their experience to first place.


And it worked out great the first two months. I didn’t lose a week, just played .500 ball for like two weeks, and was sitting comfortably in first place.

 There was just one problem. Veteran pitchers = old pitchers. Bartolo Colon, the Big Unit and Curt Schilling have all gotten hurt the same week. Just look at the first two graphs in Buster Olney’s blog.

It’s left me scrambling to find help, looking at names like Claudio Vargas and Jon Lester to fill spots in my rotation. It’s pretty gross.


I guess the lesson learned here is: don’t tip your scaled in one direction. Draft a good mix of vets and young risks and see what happens.


Of course when I do that next year, you know the vets will get hurt and the kids will suck.


Damn it, fantasy.


The curse of the Marshall Faulk jersey, plus Lil Wayne..

June 20, 2007

My roommate wore my old-school, St. Louis Rams Marshall Faulk jersey out the other night. Now, I got this thing in 2001, at the beginning of the season, so I only wore it about 3-4 times before we played the Rams in the Super Bowl (who knew we’d be good, we were 5-11 the year before) and it was awkward to wear after that.


But we were going to the Sox game and I was digging through this storage tub of jerseys I have in my closet. We stumbled across this secret fire, it’s a really tight jersey and it’s huge so it fit. He wore it out to a bar, the Sox-Giants game and then to The Kels.


And pretty much, what happened was this: he was stereotyped and treated like a thug all night. It was crazy. We said he lived a day in the life of a black man. Here’s a rundown of what happened:


-Went to the bar we work at before the game and he was denied by a co-worker when he went to scoop a round of free beers from behind the bar. Meanwhile, I was getting all the beers I wanted. Not too bad, yet, but it gets worse…

-Heading into the game, three of us walked right in no problem and he got frisked by security…

-He was stopped by an alcohol compliance officer in Fenway, one of those guys in the yellow shirts whose job it is to tattle on people. Yea, he looks older than me, but I didn’t have the jers on…

-At the Kels after the game, they don’t let him in and tell him he needs to take off the jersey before he can enter. Now this is the Kels, you can wear shorts/hats/whatever there. It’s an Allston bar, no one cares…

-He takes of the jersey, goes to go in and gets stopped. They say he’s too drunk, suggest he go and get a cup of coffee (?) and come back in 10 minutes. Obviously they were just trying to get him to not come back (why wouldn’t they have just kicked him out, outright? As if 10 minutes matters).

-When he gets to the door the second time, they tell him he can’t come in unless “you tuck in your chain.” I loved this one tons. It’s a little gold necklace that you’d see on anyone and not even notice. This isn’t Fabolous here. This isn’t Flava Flav’s clock. It’s a little average chain.


Basically, after all this, the morale of the story is: don’t EVER go out in a Marshall Faulk jersey and not expect trouble. Cause you’re getting it.




You can’t stop Lil Wayne these days. He’s too huge. No one out there putting out as much stuff as him right now, hands down. I don’t know how he doesn’t run out of stuff to say. New song every day at his pace. Plus, you got a remix? You’re calling Lil Wayne. Because you want it to be a hit don’t you?


His next CD is going to be so huge. T.I. and Lil’ Wayne are officially the new era of rap. Both are everywhere, everyone likes them (including girls) and they have tons of songs/videos/appearances. They’re the new standard. We’re over Nas, Jay-Z’s last CD sucked and he’s too old, 50 is whack, G-Unit isn’t as big, and who knows when the next Dre or Em album will come out.


For now, the standard and future of rap can be measured in Weezy and T.I.


You know what’s weird? Why is the handwriting of girls and guys inherently different? Ever think about that? Girls write different then guys – always have. And if a guy has girly handwriting, you know, huge letters but perfect and all even, then he’s kinda gay. And if a girl has bad handwriting, forget about it, you need to find someone else. You want to read chicken scratch notes? (How ill were notes, btw. In like 7th grade, it was so fire to get a note from a girl).


But why are the styles so different? It’s not like they were taught any differently. It’s just a thing in your mind I guess. Weird.




Dry cleaning is one of the best things out. Don’t get how it’s done or what they do, but it’s so nescessary. I’ll never iron again.




I don’t know if this will work for you, but here’s a link to a video of when the bat was in my house. Very entertaining.

Kevin Garnett to Boston? Maybe.

June 19, 2007

Wall and KG

The latest hot Celtic rumor: a 5-for-1 trade that would net them Kevin Garnett.


That’s right, one of the most dominating big men of the past decade could be coming to Boston.

It’s all over the internet right now, from Chad Ford’s insider column to HoopsHype to True Hoop on ESPN.


The way Ford breaks it down is as so.

The T-Wolves get: Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Sebastain Telfair, Theo Ratliff’s contract and the No. 5 pick in the draft.

The Celtics get: Garnett.


That would leave the Celts with an initial starting five of Rajon Rondo/Delonte West, Paul Pierce, Wally, Kendrick Perkins and Garnett. A very good lineup that makes them an instant contender, but without much depth. They’d need to get more help, whether it be with their later first round pick or a low-priced veteran with the midlevel exception.


I’m not exactly sure how cap figure would look, but I have to assume they’d be able to get some additional help (particularly in the draft, which has always been a strength for Danny Ainge).


Ford does explain the potential problems of the deal. Garnett can opt out of his contract ($22 million per season, tops in basketball) after next year, meaning the Celts would trade the house for him just to go at the title for a year.


That said, Ford tells us the Celts can obviously re-up Garnett, but then they’re faced with the quandary of what to pay a 31-year-old who seems like he’s been in the league forever (12 years, actually).


Good move, then? I don’t know. The Celtics are on the verge of becoming irrelevant in Boston thanks to their ping-pong ball disaster. We all saw what happened to the Bruins, barely a blip on any Bostonian’s radar. They need to win now.


Plus, with a wide-open East, they can contend for the title. I’m impatient. I say do it.



Barry Bonds: Misunderstood..or dick?

June 18, 2007

Barry Bonds

With Barry Bonds in Boston, there was a whole other spectacle outside of Dave Roberts’ return to Fenway this weekend. I went to Friday’s game and, let me tell you, both receptions were just as goosebump inspiring as expected.


Roberts got an emotional ovation in thanks for “the steal” and Bonds was roundly booed (and photographed) when he entered the batter’s box. And that’s pretty much Bonds in a nutsell: hated enough to warrant 35,000 fans to voice their displeasure, but so huge that the digi cams and picture phones were out in full force.


You hate Bonds, you say? Bet you didn’t miss one of his at-bats.


That said, instead of writing something on Barry (what is there that’s new?) I decided to paste an excerpt from a class presentation I did last year on Bonds and the BALCO scandel, detailing all the facts you may have forgotten or not even known in the first place while also showing how Bonds, despite his dickheadedness, clearly bears the brunt of an unfair investigation.


Very interesting stuff. Enjoy: 


Nick Williams

Misinformation Explosion

Presentation – 4/4

 BALCO and Steroids scandel in the press 

Issues: Press’ agenda against Barry Bonds

            Get-rich quick reporting



BALCO – Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative.

            -Headed by Victor Conte who recently served four months in prison.

            -Revolutionized the production of anabolic steroids with “the clear” and “the cream,” new undetectable versions of steroids way ahead of testing standards.

            -raided in September 2003 by federal agents. Subject of a federal investigation for months and agents found calendars, samples notebooks detailing workouts, etc.

Implicated, among others:

Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Benito Santiago Randy Velarde.

Track – Marion Jones, Tim Montgomery

NFL – Bill Rominowski


Started a trial at the Grand Jury where all athletes were granted immunity, save for perjury.

Sealed Grand Jury testimony was somehow leaked to the San Francisco Chronicle. Reported that Bonds said he thought what he took was ‘flaxseed oil.’

Giambi – Admitted it. Ended up apologizing in Feb. 2005.

Sheffield said he “unknowingly took steroids.”


Yet press continues to focus solely on Bonds. Poor relationship with the press. Brash, standoffish, mean to the media. Don’t get along. Bond notoriously a dickhead.

Book by Jose Canseco in 2005.

Implicates Brett Boone, Raphael Palmero, Pudge Rodriguez and Juan Gonzalez.

Laughed at. Depicted as a money-hungry scumbag (which may be true) in scathing editorials.


However, fallout of Canseco’s book along with lingering BALCO investigation (agents raid Conte’s home the same year) leads to a series of congressional hearings.

McGwire – “I’m not here to discuss the past.”

Sosa – Somehow forgot how to speak English.

Palmerio: Pointed sternly at congressman and declared “I never took steroids.”

Fallout of ’05 season: Boone – released by 2 teams, now out of baseball. (.221 average)

            Pudge – enters camp 20 pounds lighter – huge dips in all areas of production

            Gonzalez – One atbat, hurt swinging. Has played 186 games in the past 4 seasons

            Palmerio: Suspended in July for steroids, tested + in May, allowed to get his 3,000 hit. No investigation into how he was let to go for this long? Appeal process…

Two new books this year.

“Game of Shadows.” – The two San Francisco Chronicle writers who dealt with BALCO.

Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams

Detailing Bonds, Sheffield and Giambi, particularly Bonds – all over airwaves. On cover of SI.

 In the excerpt in SI: “In addition to the revelations included here about Barry Bonds, the book examines, in startling detail, the systematic use of a wide array of illegal drugs by other major leaguers, NFL players and track and field athletes who, like Bonds, were performing at the very highest levels of their sport.” 

No risk of libel. None of the athletes have denied it, all used steroids. But to this detail?

Get rich quick? Timing of the book – Less than a week before the regular season. Coincidence? Why was the majority of this information not published in the Chronicle? Isn’t that news? Libel rules different in book? Why was this book not scrutinized to the same extent as Canseco’s? Hearing it from someone who actually played, was in the clubhouse, detailed actual conversations he had vs. professional writers who spoke to anonymous sources. 

Same exact week, another book – this excerpt in ESPN, appeared. It’s almost like a competition, who can bring down Bonds? Rat race of sorts.

What about Giambi – Former MVP. Sheffield – Potential Hall of Famer. Focus all on Bonds because of his poor relationship with media. McGwire broke HR records too.

Book in ESPN (May30, in stores). Jeff Pearlman “Love Me, Hate Me: Barry Bonds and the Making of an Antihero.” Pearlman details to a single night in the winter of 1998 when Bonds started to use steroids.

What month in winter? “Shadows” said started in 1998. If Dec., then he didn’t start until 1999.

He writes with such detail, why can’t he identify the exact night. How does he know it? He wasn’t there. “Associates” – Who? Griffey, when approached in the WBC, denied it.

This has all started the most recent investigation by Major League Baseball. The biggest independent probe into the sport since the Pete Rose scandal.

Headed by former Senate majority leader George Mitchell.

Mitchell, besides being on the Red Sox payroll, also Chairman of the Walt Disney Co., the parent company of ESPN, which has a huge deal with baseball.

ESPN obsessed with Bonds – Pedro Gomez, beat writer.


What will this investigation prove? MLB is giving into pressure. Can’t suspend people for what they did in the past. Steroids weren’t banned until 2002. Testing in 2004. If you suspend or asterisk stats, you have to go all the way back. Sosa, McGwire, Lenny Dystkra, Canseco, Ken Cammenetti.


Bonds 2


Lance Armstrong vs. Barry Bonds


Lance Armstrong – investigation by French authorities into alleged doping practices.

Same thing as Bonds:    Federal investigation

                                    Neither has tested positive for steroids or blood doping.

                                    Trainer tied to steroid, blood doping scam.

                                    Both enlarged body parts: Bonds’ – head. Lance – heart.

But Bonds is chastised and Lance Armstrong hosts the ESPYs (!!) because:

A) Bonds plays America’s pastime

B) Lance overcame cancer

C) Lance is the stereotypical American hero

D) Lance is great with the media, great PR guy, very marketable

E) Perhaps because Lance is white?

Swami? How I knew the winner of the Stanley Cup

June 13, 2007

Note: I’ve been meaning to post this for a few days, but after the three-day bender when my roomate’s friends visited…well, you get the idea.


If you used to read my AIM Profile back in the day, and chances are if you’re reading this than you were, then you might remember my fall prediction regarding the NHL and NBA champions.

I can’t find the exact text, but my prediction was as follows: The Anaheim Ducks would win the Stanley Cup and the Dallas Mavericks would capture the NBA Championship.

While the latter became a joke once the Warriors embarrassed the Mavs in the first round, the former actually came true.

The Anaheim (no longer Mighty, they don’t go by that anymore) Ducks: 2007 Stanley Cup Champs.

Not bad, eh?

At the time, I based my reasoning on Anaheim’s all-world goalie, Jean Sebastien Giguere, the Niedermayer brothers (Scott and Rob, especially Scott) and personal NHL ’95 favorite, Teemu Selanne (he scored 76 goals his rookie year, c’mon).

All that was pretty much accurate. Giggy held up his end of the deal and was spectacular. Scott Niedermayer won the Conn Smythe as the playoff MVP and Selanne was his usual self, scoring 48 goals in the regular season, albeit none in the Finals against Ottawa.

What I couldn’t have predicted was Andy McDonald’s performance and the basic ineffectiveness of Ottawa’s top line of Jason Spezza, Daniel Alfredsson and Danny Heatley.

McDonald, Anaheim’s top center, but still relatively obscure, netted five goals and two assists against the Sens, including four goals in the last three games. You could have made a strong case for him as MVP.

Heatley, meanwhile, a much more marketable player, scored exactly ZERO goals in the finals, only registering a mere two assists. Spezza, not to be outdone, recorded the same pathetic line as Heatley, 0-2—2.

The only one who played dece was Alfredsson, who notched four goals and an assist, but may have inadvertently supplied the pivotal play of the series when he launched a post-whistle slapper at the end of the period right in the direction of Niedermayer’s head in Game 3. That resulted in a fired-up Ducks squad coming out after intermission and handing it to the Sens to win what many described as the swing game of the series.

Those events made for a 4-1 Ducks romp in the finals and a dead-on prediction by me.

Now, hold on while I pat myself on the back. Hold it……K, done.

2007 Wild Card Champs: The New York Yankees!

June 12, 2007


I’ve been saying it all year, wayyy before they ran off six straight wins and 9 of their last 11: the New York Yankees will make the playoffs.

Write it down. Remember where you heard it.

A lame prediction, no?

Not really. Most people I talk to don’t think the Yanks have enough.

And that may be true – to an extent. They might not be able to catch the Red Sox, who sit comfortably ahead this June 12, 9 ½ games up. But they are certainly contenders for the Wild Card, where Detroit sits about five games up.

And why, you ask?

Frankly, they’re just too nice. You forget…these are the NEW YORK YANKEES! They have unlimited resources, a huge payroll to begin with and still field a team of all-stars. Bobby Abreu is hitting, A-Rod is hot again, Posada is back, Damon is settling in nice at DH, and Jeter is, well, Jeter.

The offense is rolling – as if that’s a surprise – and the bullpen is beginning to take shape, with Scott Proctor the go-to guy for one-run games, close games blowouts and any other scenario possible. As of Tuesday, Proctor had appeared in a whopping 33 games.

But what New York’s resurgence hinges on, of course, is its starting pitching. When Wang, Pavano and Mussina were all out with injuries, it was Pettitte, Igawa (LOL), and a bunch of guys named DeSalvo, Rasner, Wright and Karstens.

Pavano (arm surgery) and Igawa (suckitis) will never be back this year. But with Moose and Wang healthy and the addition of roger Clemens, you’re looking at a five-man rotation of Pettitte, Wang, Clemens, Mussina and someone keeping the seat warm for Phillip Hughes.

That might not be a great rotation, but it’s pretty damn good. Better than people think, at least. Pettitte has been dirty this year. I’m bet on Moose bouncing back. Wang is always serviceable. Hughes was in the midst of spinning a gem against Texas when he pulled his hammy. Everything pretty much hinges on Clemens. If he’s real good, the Yankees will be real good. If he’s bad, the Yanks will be bad. It’s really that simple.

That five-man staff is going to give you quality starts. Hell even right now, with Clemens only one-start deep and Hughes out for awhile, the Yankees have a better team ERA than Detroit (4.58 to 4.61), a lower opponent’s BA (.264 compared to .273) and less runs against (291, 307).

With those numbers only poised to improve—how much worse could Mussina be? – look for the Yankee starters to pick up more and more wins, especially with that vaunted offense scoring like it can.

That offense does have one hole at first base. But Todd Helton, Mark Texiera and Shea Hillenbrand could all be available. The Yanks will surely shore up that hole.

I’m not worried about the division, but is anyone else a little nervous of the Spankees in the playoffs??

One of the fastest growing blogs: Crazy minor league manager, SummerJam and passwords

June 5, 2007

First off, thanks to anyone who takes the time to check out this blog – the 66th fastest growing blog on WordPress, whatever that means.


Today we’re going to run through a bunch of random topics and links, similar to the format I used to make my AIM profiles back when I was tight.


Here we go:


How ridiculous are password specifications getting? You know, where a website makes you type a certain amount of characters with numbers and CAPs and all that. It’s to the point where it makes passwords not an easy little thing that only you know, but a stupid idiot thing that you have to write down to even know.


That said, I was filling out something for a GAP card account and the password requirements were as follows:                                        -must be 8-15 characters

                                                            -must contain 2 numbers

                                                            -numbers can’t be at the beginning or the end

OK…so that leaves me with zero passwords to come up with? Oh, let me just resort to my go-to pword that has two numbers right in the middle of a word    . Sure. This is a fuckin GAP CARD. No one is trying to hack into this and pay my 80 dollar balance for 2 polos, so why is this more secure than my bank account? Don’t get it.




I sort of hate the phrase “lucked out.” You were confused when you first started using this, weren’t you? Think about it. Back in the day, you heard someone say it for the first time and were like, wait does that mean their luck ran out or did something good happen. What’s going on here? Is this good or bad? It’s just a strange way to put it, I guess.


How about that crazy manager of the Atlanta Braves’ Double-A affiliate? In case you’ve been locked in a basement for the past three days, or just want to laugh at this nut again, here’s the clip.


I’m normally a fan of this crap, cause it’s entertaining and I always appreciate an out-of-their-tree weirdo, but I have to say if I were a higher up in the Braves organization, I’d fire this guy real quick.


Think about it, do you really want this whacko nurturing your prized prospects? He’s obviously off his rocker. You think an outburst of this magnitude comes randomly? No way. He’s crazy and he most likely does other crazy stuff outside of this. I wouldn’t want him dealing with my kids. Not in an age where you’re very careful with prospects to begin with – I wouldn’t want someone screwing them up.




Went to Summer Jam at the Tweeter Center the other day. Pretty solid time. It’s weird that every rap concert I go to is flooded with white teenage girls. But I guess if you only go to Jam’N 94.5 or Eminem concerts, it makes sense.

What I love at these things is that you can’t drink beer in the parking lot. You have to hide it in a cooler in the car and pour it into a red Solo cup. Really? I’m almost 22. I had to go through this sneaking around shit for years, I’m done with that now, why can’t I just drink?


If the cops (what a job this is by the way – serve and protect, how about bike around and try to wreck your time) see your booze, they take it away. I saw some people with a full ass keg in their trunk get it taken away on a golf cart. Now that sucks. 80 bucks down the tube. Where do you think that goes anyway? Def getting slugged at like Chief Sullivan’s cousin’s BBQ.


50 Cent showed up out of nowhere, which woulda been kinda cool if he didn’t suck. Take away his studio-enhanced voice and 50 is terrbs. No one was really feelin’ him either, you could tell. At one point he said “C’mon now, I wasn’t even supposed to be here” when he didn’t get a huge ovation when he though he should.


Surprisingly, that’s one of the only things I remember from that concert.




Aloe is like a magic plant, by the way. It was like 90 at that concert so obviously I left with a sunburn (the gay raccoon one too from leaving my sunglasses on like a drunken idiot) so I had to get aloe the next day. Stuff is unreal. So cooling and soothing somehow. I don’t get it and I don’t want to. It just feels ill and I’d like to leave it at that. I was looking at the bottle and it said something about how it could be used for shaving or as a hair gel too. Aloe can do anything apparently.




I’m fed up with CD’s. A) Few people buy them anymore because they think they can get away with selling it for like 13 bucks when I can get the full CD on iTunes for about 6. B) All they do is skip. For no reason. Fresh new blank CD for that next road trip? Things skipping, no doubt.


Can’t wait until 10 years or so when CDs are gone for good and every car has an MP3 player or iPod dock.

That’s all for today. Please comment with any links/funny stuff you got for me. Peace.